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2008/1/26 How The Darkness Came...Throughout my whole life I have always had to explain, translate even, all the answers that I have given to questions asked of me. No one has ever been able to understand who I am or what I feel by just listening to what I say. This left me feeling "Not normal", "An Outcast", "A Freak." People always speak of what I search for, what I seek and I am sure by now that many of you have noticed that your questions on this subject are left unanswered, maybe you could even class it as avoided. I will now try to answer but this is going to be very hard for me as I have to now face the things that I have hidden from for so long in my life. Please forgive me if I stall or ramble on a bit. This touches on a subject that is/was a very big part of what I am today and which I have tried to avoid at all costs because it always led me to hurt, pain, disappointment & the sense of not being worthy of anything but a life of these feelings. From as long as I can possibly remember I searched for things. Searched for an identity, searched for a family, searched for a childhood. Thats all I've ever done. I've gone through this life sifting through peoples discarded memories just trying to find something I could hold on to, something to relate to, something that was mine, something that was part of me. But alas it was never found. I collected the pieces of my broken life and kept them tucked away hoping that maybe one day I might also find the missing answers. These pieces grew in quantity but still I dragged them on with me, never giving up. I just needed something to be complete. A begining, a middle, an end. Is that too much to ask for? Isn't that what everyone else has? This all came to an end just before I was found by what I term as "The Darkness." Its funny how things that you fear tend to be the things that save you. I have always been the victim of other peoples decisions, mistakes, actions, call it what you will. It amazed me how they all just sat year after year watching me self destruct over things I had no knowledge of, things that they knew the answers too. Every now and then, a comment spoke, or a faded memory was fed to me just to remind me of things unsolved. It was all for their pleasure. Couldn't break the tradition now, couldn't try to allieviate some of the pain, suffering, torment that has plagued me since the day I was born. Everything I ever felt or had was always taken and destroyed by someone elses hand. It became an everyday ritual. I had, they took. I used to sit and watch them build on what they already had and just when it was near complete, near perfect, they tear it down without a thought of what would be left behind. Yet again the vision of someone searching through the broken and tattered pieces of a destroyed life came into play. This carried on for many a year until all I had left were my dreams. I used to think that at least they were safe. I couldn't see a way that anybody could take them for me. I soon realised that this was not the case and if they destroyed me, took away my will to survive on this earth then my dreams would soon die too. And basically thats what happened. All those that were suppossed to love me gathered around me and took turns to drain any will to survive that I had out of me. I stood helpless and watched as they took my dreams and left them scattered and broken just like they had done many times before. I didn''t even bother to sift through the mess this time. I had no will, no strength, no need left in me. This time they had achieved their goal. I had died inside... I can't say how I felt. There was no feeling, no hatred, not even a numbness or an empty space to compensate for what they had raped from me. I remember my eyes were open, when it came for me but all other feeling was gone. I just watched it swirl and dance in front of me to the tune of the cold dark night, fascinated by its sheer magnificence I remained captured by its spell. My mind was not my own anymore, I had no control over how I felt, what I thought, I didn't know me, I didn't recognise this person who I was suppossed to be. I remember thinking this is it. It's my time to leave. Then nothing. I came back to reality feeling as if I was being held close to something. Its form too big to recongnise, but its strength was very real. I felt its hold loosen a little and for the first time in my life I felt that I belonged. My Darkness gave me a chance to stand alone unafraid and that is what I do today. I search for nothing, I yearn for nothing, I have no dreams to destroy. But as for strength. I feel not strong, but unafraid. I can still be broke down, ripped apart but I know my Darkness will heal me, will save me, will hold me close for now and forever. 评论 (2)
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