Ashes of 的个人资料Ashes Of Autumn... ...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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2008/7/20 Time Everlasting...Around and around we all seem to travel.
Going in circles, Some with purpose, Others rather irradically Not knowing where they will stop or start again. Always reaching what we think is the ultimate in our lives, But then again, finding it was only another peak to crest. Moving on once again to something new,
Something else the soul and heart decided we needed to thrive on, Or with or even without. Experiences in life, Whether current or past, Seem to bring about a higher Or better understanding of more of our life within. What may we encounter today?
Whom may we cross paths with, That may bring enlightnement And who may bring some sadness That touches That little known place within? Always moving ever forward, Never back, For to go back would mean Our stagnation of mind and torture of soul. Wanting to always gain that much needed, And so very deeply desired goal In order to thrive truly in happiness. When may it come? Only time will tell. Time seems to be the only one constant, Always revolving our lives around it, Our very thoughts swim within it's very waves, Trying to break free, to gain an upper hand, To steal a moment if only once. Time however, seems to mock our very efforts. We just gain a taste, Or even a full cup of what we desire And then without so much as a second tick of notice, It is gone once again, As we are left empty, Or alone. Then we have to look back and see what we had, And what time was wasted To attain it, And now what? Where to turn? Where to go from here? Nothing can ever exactly replace something we had,
But we can hope to come close, Or find another level, Perhaps higher than the one lost, To reach and attain yet again. But how much more time must we go through To get it again? Is what we had A waste of such precious a commodity? Or perhaps are we looking much too hard, Or yearning far to deep For such in life? The pain of desire always there.
Throbbing and pulsing with an energy all it's own. Piercing the body to remind the soul Of the hunger within. Powerless to ease the pain, Unable to put off the ceaseless pounding. The blood pressure rises with each beat, Moving the heart to race along as fast as possible As if running from some great thing; Yet towards with a velocity unmatched as the speed of light. Leaving behind in it's wake, The unfathomable aches that scream with the loudness of thunder, Seemingly falling upon deaf ears as the rain continues to drown out the voice. How many nights and days Must pass before the great longing disolves Into the nothingness that surrounds, And becomes once a void to never return from? Determined to not allow such a havoc to be wreaked upon this soul, For it is far too obssessed with life and the greatness of it all To fall prey to such a disastrous and unwarranted happening... After A While...
After a while You learn the subtle difference between Holding a hand and chaining a soul.
You learn that love doesn't mean security, Kisses aren't contracts, Presents aren't promises.
You begin to accept your defeats With your head up and eyes open, With the grace of an adult Not the grief of a child.
You learn to build all of your roads on today Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while You learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden And decorate your own soul.
And instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers, You learn that you really can endure. You really are strong. And you really do have worth.
But only after a while.
2008/7/9 Alone...
A little girl sits alone in her room Listening to the screams from down the hall. She feels lost. So alone in her room. Her sanctuary.
She lays on her bed staring into the light, Her tears her only company. The sadness in her eyes Are only a glimpse of the pain in her heart.
Her grades aren't good enough. Nothing ever is. Nothing she ever does is right, Everything she ever says is wrong.
They always yell, At each other, At her, At everything.
"Leave me alone. Go away. Just STOP"
The thoughts dance in her head flooding her heart.
"Just once..." She thinks, "Tell me you love me."
She is never good enough. Gotta be perfect. Gotta Be the BEST. Can't ever have fun.
She has to grow up, can't be a kid. No sleep-overs. No friends. No life.
She looks at her mother wrong and she's grounded.
Again Stuck in her hole. Her room. Her sanctuary.
She lies back and looks up at the light. Almost as if to look through it, Beyond it, Past it, Into the sky. Into the darkness only lit by the moon and the stars.
They never hit her with their hands Just their words. Sometimes she wishes that they would hit her. The pain would be less than that they already cause.
"Just once... Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you're proud."
2008/1/30 Totally Stoked...I received my first ever award today for my little space and I've got to admit to you, I'm well stoked...
I'm actually quite lost for words to say (for once) so I'll just keep it minimal and say how much I truly do appreciate the time people spend on visting and reading my words that I write. Thankyou so much to all those of you who voted my blog as their favourite blog of 2007. It is with much pride I now display this award. My Darkest Respect To You All. 
Awarded to Ashes
2008/1/26 How The Darkness Came...Throughout my whole life I have always had to explain, translate even, all the answers that I have given to questions asked of me. No one has ever been able to understand who I am or what I feel by just listening to what I say. This left me feeling "Not normal", "An Outcast", "A Freak." People always speak of what I search for, what I seek and I am sure by now that many of you have noticed that your questions on this subject are left unanswered, maybe you could even class it as avoided. I will now try to answer but this is going to be very hard for me as I have to now face the things that I have hidden from for so long in my life. Please forgive me if I stall or ramble on a bit. This touches on a subject that is/was a very big part of what I am today and which I have tried to avoid at all costs because it always led me to hurt, pain, disappointment & the sense of not being worthy of anything but a life of these feelings. From as long as I can possibly remember I searched for things. Searched for an identity, searched for a family, searched for a childhood. Thats all I've ever done. I've gone through this life sifting through peoples discarded memories just trying to find something I could hold on to, something to relate to, something that was mine, something that was part of me. But alas it was never found. I collected the pieces of my broken life and kept them tucked away hoping that maybe one day I might also find the missing answers. These pieces grew in quantity but still I dragged them on with me, never giving up. I just needed something to be complete. A begining, a middle, an end. Is that too much to ask for? Isn't that what everyone else has? This all came to an end just before I was found by what I term as "The Darkness." Its funny how things that you fear tend to be the things that save you. I have always been the victim of other peoples decisions, mistakes, actions, call it what you will. It amazed me how they all just sat year after year watching me self destruct over things I had no knowledge of, things that they knew the answers too. Every now and then, a comment spoke, or a faded memory was fed to me just to remind me of things unsolved. It was all for their pleasure. Couldn't break the tradition now, couldn't try to allieviate some of the pain, suffering, torment that has plagued me since the day I was born. Everything I ever felt or had was always taken and destroyed by someone elses hand. It became an everyday ritual. I had, they took. I used to sit and watch them build on what they already had and just when it was near complete, near perfect, they tear it down without a thought of what would be left behind. Yet again the vision of someone searching through the broken and tattered pieces of a destroyed life came into play. This carried on for many a year until all I had left were my dreams. I used to think that at least they were safe. I couldn't see a way that anybody could take them for me. I soon realised that this was not the case and if they destroyed me, took away my will to survive on this earth then my dreams would soon die too. And basically thats what happened. All those that were suppossed to love me gathered around me and took turns to drain any will to survive that I had out of me. I stood helpless and watched as they took my dreams and left them scattered and broken just like they had done many times before. I didn''t even bother to sift through the mess this time. I had no will, no strength, no need left in me. This time they had achieved their goal. I had died inside... I can't say how I felt. There was no feeling, no hatred, not even a numbness or an empty space to compensate for what they had raped from me. I remember my eyes were open, when it came for me but all other feeling was gone. I just watched it swirl and dance in front of me to the tune of the cold dark night, fascinated by its sheer magnificence I remained captured by its spell. My mind was not my own anymore, I had no control over how I felt, what I thought, I didn't know me, I didn't recognise this person who I was suppossed to be. I remember thinking this is it. It's my time to leave. Then nothing. I came back to reality feeling as if I was being held close to something. Its form too big to recongnise, but its strength was very real. I felt its hold loosen a little and for the first time in my life I felt that I belonged. My Darkness gave me a chance to stand alone unafraid and that is what I do today. I search for nothing, I yearn for nothing, I have no dreams to destroy. But as for strength. I feel not strong, but unafraid. I can still be broke down, ripped apart but I know my Darkness will heal me, will save me, will hold me close for now and forever. Abused Child...Look into the mirrors that reflect with flashing hue, Be they bright as sun above or of misty paling blue. Do they hold a depth that is but inches from your grin,
Or be they bottomless to hide the pain within? The tongue and lips may form the words that tell people all is well.
But the mirrors of the inner soul reveal that truth is Hell. You can fool the world with chatter that is skillful wove with lies.
But you cannot hide the inner truth as reflected in the eyes. When you gaze into those mirrors what do you really see?
Do you smile because your looking at a soul that’s really free. Or do you look into twin pools of depthless freezing ice,
Where the frozen rippling waters conceal a cruel unhappy life. Do you look into those mirrors and console yourself with lies,
Pretending they are orbs of glass and are really not your eyes. But even if you do so you know that it’s not true,
For those flashing depthless orbs of glass reflect the inner you. Yes you can fool the world around you with your impish childish grin,
And even those real close to you can be barred from getting in. But there is one thing you cannot do for nothing will disguise,
The pain and loneliness a child feels as reflected in their eyes. 2008/1/10 The Suicide...Eyes stare up Blank expression Nothingness Sky is not seen Wind is not felt. The leaves in the hair The dirt on the cheek The frigid skin The blue tint The parted lips. No breath in the lungs No beat of the heart No stirring of the limbs The eyes do not blink The song has been silenced The light has been stolen. A beauty in life A beauty in death Flowers adorn the hair Pale, white, pretty dress Arms crossed over chest Marks adorn the wrists. The ground around stained red The note at the side Never to be read The hurried script The tear-stained lines The stained razor Tell-tale signs. A beauty in life A beauty in death Wounded soul Controlling the mind Holding the blade Piercing the skin. Crimson flowed down Rained upon the ground Down she fell to her knees A barely-audible scream. Finally she collapsed Breathing in gasps Slowly her body died The lovely, abandoned bride. It's Funny How I Bleed...I have fallen somewhere in your life. Did I trip, did I stumble or did I jump? Does it matter as long as I am here? I have fallen somewhere in your heart. Through a crack in that armour you wear so well. But does it matter as long as I am here? I realise that my place here is precarious at best But I will do what I can to remain balanced, For I don't want to fall so far as I can't be seen. I don't have the common sense any longer to know if I should leave, But patience is a virtue I know all too well, And she sits with me now. But who is begging for forgiveness here, You or me? It's funny how I bleed and you never really see it... 2007/12/16 Closure...How do you know when a fire's gone out? Is it when the flames die? Or when the embers cease to glow? Is it when the last faltering spark of orange-red , Is killed cold by the cooling ash? At what point is a fire beyond saving? When exactly do you declare a fire dead? And when do you declare a love dead? How many rows? How much violence? How long the silences? How many the lies? How damaged the broken bridges, Before we say, This partnership is done. When that being destroyed, Outweighs that being created, Maybe then, Love takes its coat, From the hook in the hall, And steps out into the night. Goodbye... Rain...The rain keeps falling, With no sign of stopping. Every drop seems like a tear, Every drop a forgotten fear, Every moment brings life. The rain keeps falling. I hear you calling, From somewhere beyond the grave, Somewhere beyond the rain, Somewhere the someone, I couldn't save. I couldn't save you from yourself. The rain keeps falling. I hear whispers in the rain, Voices I cannot name. It's not the same without you here, It's not the same with everything to fear, I shed a tear, And let it join the rain. And the rain keeps falling. The Day God Called You Home...He looked at his precious garden, And saw an empty space. Then glancing down from heaven, He saw your tiny face. Placing his arms around you, He took you in his care. A bloom so rare and beautiful, He wanted you up there. It hurt my heart to see you go, But you did not go alone, For part of me went with you, The day God called you home. Kitchen Sink...At the height of the row in the kitchen, The children strangely feared nothing, For they saw the strength in her. Amidst the sharp knives, The smashed glass, The dead dreams. Love, weak and battered, Seeped and swirled strong between them, Love stronger than kitchen danger. 2007/12/11 Dancing As Fast As I Can...I appear at the clouds, a shadow, a speck They don’t want you to know and to respect An unknown authority, a empty expanse To you, you think you’re enjoying this dance. But I’m not It’s painful A lack of maternal instinct The given route to A missing link. Silhouette, oblivion, the blues and the blacks I Would think you should run and never turn back Hitting the wall with a loud ringing thud How can you have dignity with your face in the mud? Except you’re up On your hands You’re happy and worthless Without your man. He does not mean a single thing You lived with it for years, how long could you last? To stand the torture and forgive the past You’re a woman you’re someone, someone that’s free A person who forgot they were meant to be. Aside from this That it’s pointless to do The things he says When he’ll just find you Again and again You lived this long under the life of pain You watch the moon dance and play in the rain The loud thunder roars and the lightening bolts The windows all shook with a jerking jolt. It’s the fact That if You stay long enough Maybe it’ll just all go away But it comes again, another day Go play In the dirt, the soft clay It all stands around And worships. I follow a path, a leading trail But my ideas are crushed and bent with hail I watch you drive off and leave for the day I decide that it’s weak to just run away. So I don’t I contemplate Time at the nerve And mind numb as ice The hurt you deserve Is artificial Not real Cause it’s not the pleasure of the Kill you feel. It’s the suspense Tense Smoking incense The smoke burns the eyes And twirls in the air But sometimes you take it And never even care. You cry The bruises and whelps they spot your skin Sometimes they tear at the enemy within Who hides behind you, the face and the girl? Who wanted to give it all to the world. But she can’t She’s weak She can’t even fight She’s not proud to be meek The torture and suffering From the so called “love” Was definitely not Cast from above. No above Because if above even cared The scars and the bruises would Not be there They trickle and twinkle Like the water on your windshield Where’s your shining knight Out on the battlefield He’s fighting You know he’s your hate (He’s the deadliest person you know to date) And he’s yours, he says But never acts out Sometimes he talks like He’s dreaming about. You Your nothing To him because He cares about himself Himself is the drug He breathes and inhales You stop and you listen His raspy words aren’t true How could you believe him? How does he do – This to you Manipulate Complicate The automatic process in which you go mad. You look for the answer You look where to hide You look for the reason To stay inside There’s none You wander around comtemplating your plan The plan that stands to rid that man The pain and the promise he etched in your skin The everlasting memory your mind rots in. It hurts You run You get the matches on top Right now you think, there is no one to stop Me I have my pride now you jerk You’ve tried your plan and It doesn’t work Striking a match and throwing it to the ground His belongings and possessions Will never be found But this fire, this flame, the pain of delight Is not going to be stopped By this storm tonight Cause no water, no hail, no thunder or rain Will stop my hope tonight It rises once again. So I set this place, the fire, the flame So far, I’m not the one to blame There’s this night, the night of the storm Which you will grovel and have to mourn So I can live on my own, without the possessive man I in the rain, dancing as fast as I can. 2007/12/10 For The Kids...We're staying together for the kids. Don't want to deprive them of a stable home. It's something he appreciated when he was growing up. So, the unhappiness will continue. The awful tension in the air. The petty sniping, the strained atmosphere. The small conflicts which just disguise the real conflict. The terrible silences, The shallow, awkward communication. The pervading sense that everyone is walking on eggshells. The occasional violence. It's for the kids. And one day they'll be grateful. Of course. Just as I wake up grateful for my nightmares. So grateful... 2007/12/1 As I Take My Leave...As I take my leave, my gaze goes round the room once more. The suitcase on the floor beside me, packed full of memories. The paintings on the wall we picked out together, I leave for you. The sofa we spent cuddled nights aplenty on, still the best seat in the house. As I take my leave, I hear the ghost of our love echo through the halls. Chasing me to the bedroom, laughter spilling through the air. The love, the touches, the eyes that saw into the depths of my soul. Whispered words of the night that spilled into the day. As I take my leave, a photograph catches my eye. You and me, happy and carefree, plans that reached forever. Shattered glass mars the face I once adored. Shattered hearts that can't take back yesterday or mend the loss of tomorrow. As I take my leave, the memories pile on my heart. Friendship and love that we thought would last forever. Now tattered and bruised, broken from within. Jealous words, spoken in haste and hate. As I take my leave, I wonder how I'll go on. You were my friend, you were my love. The days will be hard, the nights even harder. But to be stronger, go I must. Judgement Day...The sun is moving to meet the earth, Symbol of the new gods birth. Screaming children all around, I can't escape the horrid sound. Feeble hearts beating, dying, weak, The strong they wail, silent are the meek. This is it, the coming of Hell, Hear each mad, ringing, singing bell. Madness crashes, burns away, My eyes are seared, what is night or day? Writhing anguish, liquid fire, I'm caught in the wrenching, consuming mire. Consequence has come at last, Free me masters, from approaching past! Streaking stars from Heaven fall, Is this the end, or birth of all? Crying, wailing, reaching out, Gods do not judge me! Do not doubt! Take away these tattered wings, I've crawled too far to keep these things! I stand too tall, don't knock me down, I see much better what surrounds. I fail, I fall, I try again, Where does resignation leave, begin? I know nothing, the smoke's too thick, I barely missed the scythe's chilling nick. Blood pour down onto the ground, Fill my ears with the endless sound. Calm my actions, quell my fears, Take my soul, drain my tears. Let me know all, plead my case, Prisoner of this chance, non-existant grace. Darkness Within...Everyone has their darkness deep, But in my darkness the demons creep. Unto me they now speak, Putting my rationality to sleep. Awakening dark whisperings within me, Changing everything I should be. Into an evil creature of demonic intention, Beyond moralities, hope of salvation. Corrupt, for things unsaid Corrupt, for being undead. But more than of Vampirism do I write, This isn't about a bloody bite. You misunderstand the essence here, This speaks of the hearts affairs. Vision clear, judgment distorted, Spiritually stable, morality contorted. It's not about the words I write here, It's about the thoughts I speak nowhere. Awakening...He uttered a deep growl from his throat, As his mind fought to recover what consciousness he knew. Meanwhile his body shuddered convulsively, Almost with a mind of its own. He fought through the grey mists of his mind, Desperately reaching for something, Unable to formulate quite what it was. Lurching from darkness,not unfamiliar to light, Which was all too familiar, He resisted his return. Lingering, trying to recapture that certain sense, That calm, that freedom. He slipped back into what was himself and rested. She looked on. Totally alert to his every move, every nuance, every breath, And her whole being focussed on him. She had loosened his bonds enough so he wouldn’t hurt himself, But left enough to stop him falling from his position. She had placed a pillow under his head, So he would not bang it when he thrashed around. She fed him sips of water, Brushed across his lips at intervals, And covered him with a blanket. She sat down at the side his head, her eyes on his face, Watching the fleeting expressions cross his brow. Breathing with him, resting with him, flying with him. Every so often she would caress his face, Wipe a stray hair from his brow, easing herself into his mind as she did so. Letting him know she was there and he was safe. She let herself in. Gently probing softly at the edges, Enveloping him with love and a growing sense of wonderment at his strength, His inner beauty and his soul. All had been glimpsed before, But never in such depth and with such clarity. She nestled in beside him, Cradling his head in her arms, And waited... 2007/11/24 Lost...Hollow footsteps, cloaked by night, Of sadness known through tortured sight. The willow weeps for solitude, As Owl moans a gloomy interlude. Reflection in the glossy lake, "If I should die before I wake" A tear shatters the silent face, That seeks solace in this deserted place. Wind whispers through the willows leaves, And Owl perched high, silently grieves. The glow from city lights afar, Swallow whole a falling star. A wish upon the trembling lips, For peace, a raven gently sips. The water near his honoured guest, But soon flies to his hidden nest. Weary beneath the flowing cloak, The traveller rests against an oak. And fights the lure of heavenly sleep, "I pray the Lord my soul to keep" Forever lost, each journey taken, Plagues the mind, the nights awaken. Troubled visions, thoughts of yesterdays, That seem like beacons - lives away. Random comforts cannot ease this soul, For knowledge takes its weary toll. 'Pon one who suffers with each breath, Who slept once in peace, then awoke in death... A Cruel Reminder...This one serves as A Cruel Reminder to those who try to fuck with me mentally... You all have had a chance... You all fucked it up... "Selfishly hated, no wonder you're jaded, you can't play the victim this time" An ever growing sense of a hatred so deep lies in the place where you once laid. The same place where I tied you down and showed you another world you never knew before. The same place where we bared our souls and traded our sins. The same place where our bodies dripped with sweat as we fucked until morning light. And oh how we loved to fuck. It was the only place we could be as one. Where your words and actions would unleash such pain upon me but damn it felt so sweet. Your Cunt, your Dirty Little Slut, your Mistress in boots, I was everything you asked me to be, there was nothing I refused. You controlled me with your eyes, I tamed you with my whips. Oh god we loved to fuck. We was always so careful not to slip up and make love, no we couldn't go there, that's one path never to be walked. Red Silk pillows that hold memories of where you lay by the crimson stain you left behind. Your power was the greed I had for you and damn you fucking knew it. I'd see the glint of the scalpel blade from the corner of my eye, my heart would start pounding as I watched it touch your beautiful skin. I'd feel you start twitching deep inside me as the blade penetrated your skin. Oh you fucking knew what was about to unfold, it's that part of me you just couldn't resist, that part of me you couldn't bare the thought of anyone else experiencing, that part of me that you knew would totally own 100% of you for a brief moment in time. By the light of the many candles that burned I would watch as your blood slowly start to trickle down from the cut you had just made. Your eyes begged me to take you, to fuck you like an animal, to be a part of my world. "Forgive Me, I'm Sorry" I'd say as my mouth gently covered your wound and I would step back as the hunger took hold. You would lie there helpless underneath me with your throbbing cock deep inside me, taking the lust and hunger unleashed upon it by this sanguine thirst. You would cry out into the night, your groans and whimpers echoed around my dungeon-like room, filling my ears, feeding the hunger. I loved to taste your blood. It had a different taste to any other, not so metallic but an addition of something else, another kind of kin not tasted before, forbidden to us. "I'm in no danger, he loves me, with him I feel safe" remember those fucking words? And now you say "I'm a Bitch" but the difference is we're not fucking. Always too fucking big to step down from this home made throne you created. Too fucking self centered and set on destroying everything that does not bow to your command. I fucking loved you with all my heart, you destroyed me with your pathetic games. I gave you everything you ever fucking wanted, you gave me memories of your violent anger that you undoubtedly unleashed so many times before but tried to hide. It's dark and empty here now, you was the only dream I had for years. I lay here on red satin sheets, curled up around this ever mounting hatred that lies on your side of the bed. You may have taken my soul but I've fucked you for all eternity. Everytime you lay down with another, it will never satisfy your need, you will never visit the places I showed you, you wont even know the way. You'll never feel another come just for you the way you did with me, No more looking deeply into the eyes of another and seeing the things you saw when you looked into mine. Oooh no doubt you'll get your dick sucked again, but who's the only one who has ever made you come? Twice? You seem to forget you entered into my world, I didn't come into yours. What we had was down to me and I can create that time and time again with whoever I fucking want to. I chose you. You will never feel it with another person again. It'll haunt you to your dying day, it'll burn inside you, eat you away as you move from one failed relationship to another, hating everyone because they can't make you feel the way I did and the only thing that will calm you will be the touch of my hand. I may have ended this but you all too easily let go. If you can't fix it by text, email, messenger or phone then it's too much like hard work for you. Fuck this... You're most probably too busy trying to line up the next one to ever read this... Never mind, it'll make a good fantasy story for others to read but you and I know it's not a fantasy... Don't we??? |
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