Ashes of 的个人资料Ashes Of Autumn... ...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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2008/1/26 Abused Child...Look into the mirrors that reflect with flashing hue, Be they bright as sun above or of misty paling blue. Do they hold a depth that is but inches from your grin,
Or be they bottomless to hide the pain within? The tongue and lips may form the words that tell people all is well.
But the mirrors of the inner soul reveal that truth is Hell. You can fool the world with chatter that is skillful wove with lies.
But you cannot hide the inner truth as reflected in the eyes. When you gaze into those mirrors what do you really see?
Do you smile because your looking at a soul that’s really free. Or do you look into twin pools of depthless freezing ice,
Where the frozen rippling waters conceal a cruel unhappy life. Do you look into those mirrors and console yourself with lies,
Pretending they are orbs of glass and are really not your eyes. But even if you do so you know that it’s not true,
For those flashing depthless orbs of glass reflect the inner you. Yes you can fool the world around you with your impish childish grin,
And even those real close to you can be barred from getting in. But there is one thing you cannot do for nothing will disguise,
The pain and loneliness a child feels as reflected in their eyes. 2008/1/10 The Suicide...Eyes stare up Blank expression Nothingness Sky is not seen Wind is not felt. The leaves in the hair The dirt on the cheek The frigid skin The blue tint The parted lips. No breath in the lungs No beat of the heart No stirring of the limbs The eyes do not blink The song has been silenced The light has been stolen. A beauty in life A beauty in death Flowers adorn the hair Pale, white, pretty dress Arms crossed over chest Marks adorn the wrists. The ground around stained red The note at the side Never to be read The hurried script The tear-stained lines The stained razor Tell-tale signs. A beauty in life A beauty in death Wounded soul Controlling the mind Holding the blade Piercing the skin. Crimson flowed down Rained upon the ground Down she fell to her knees A barely-audible scream. Finally she collapsed Breathing in gasps Slowly her body died The lovely, abandoned bride. It's Funny How I Bleed...I have fallen somewhere in your life. Did I trip, did I stumble or did I jump? Does it matter as long as I am here? I have fallen somewhere in your heart. Through a crack in that armour you wear so well. But does it matter as long as I am here? I realise that my place here is precarious at best But I will do what I can to remain balanced, For I don't want to fall so far as I can't be seen. I don't have the common sense any longer to know if I should leave, But patience is a virtue I know all too well, And she sits with me now. But who is begging for forgiveness here, You or me? It's funny how I bleed and you never really see it... 2007/12/16 Closure...How do you know when a fire's gone out? Is it when the flames die? Or when the embers cease to glow? Is it when the last faltering spark of orange-red , Is killed cold by the cooling ash? At what point is a fire beyond saving? When exactly do you declare a fire dead? And when do you declare a love dead? How many rows? How much violence? How long the silences? How many the lies? How damaged the broken bridges, Before we say, This partnership is done. When that being destroyed, Outweighs that being created, Maybe then, Love takes its coat, From the hook in the hall, And steps out into the night. Goodbye... Rain...The rain keeps falling, With no sign of stopping. Every drop seems like a tear, Every drop a forgotten fear, Every moment brings life. The rain keeps falling. I hear you calling, From somewhere beyond the grave, Somewhere beyond the rain, Somewhere the someone, I couldn't save. I couldn't save you from yourself. The rain keeps falling. I hear whispers in the rain, Voices I cannot name. It's not the same without you here, It's not the same with everything to fear, I shed a tear, And let it join the rain. And the rain keeps falling. The Day God Called You Home...He looked at his precious garden, And saw an empty space. Then glancing down from heaven, He saw your tiny face. Placing his arms around you, He took you in his care. A bloom so rare and beautiful, He wanted you up there. It hurt my heart to see you go, But you did not go alone, For part of me went with you, The day God called you home. Kitchen Sink...At the height of the row in the kitchen, The children strangely feared nothing, For they saw the strength in her. Amidst the sharp knives, The smashed glass, The dead dreams. Love, weak and battered, Seeped and swirled strong between them, Love stronger than kitchen danger. 2007/12/11 Dancing As Fast As I Can...I appear at the clouds, a shadow, a speck They don’t want you to know and to respect An unknown authority, a empty expanse To you, you think you’re enjoying this dance. But I’m not It’s painful A lack of maternal instinct The given route to A missing link. Silhouette, oblivion, the blues and the blacks I Would think you should run and never turn back Hitting the wall with a loud ringing thud How can you have dignity with your face in the mud? Except you’re up On your hands You’re happy and worthless Without your man. He does not mean a single thing You lived with it for years, how long could you last? To stand the torture and forgive the past You’re a woman you’re someone, someone that’s free A person who forgot they were meant to be. Aside from this That it’s pointless to do The things he says When he’ll just find you Again and again You lived this long under the life of pain You watch the moon dance and play in the rain The loud thunder roars and the lightening bolts The windows all shook with a jerking jolt. It’s the fact That if You stay long enough Maybe it’ll just all go away But it comes again, another day Go play In the dirt, the soft clay It all stands around And worships. I follow a path, a leading trail But my ideas are crushed and bent with hail I watch you drive off and leave for the day I decide that it’s weak to just run away. So I don’t I contemplate Time at the nerve And mind numb as ice The hurt you deserve Is artificial Not real Cause it’s not the pleasure of the Kill you feel. It’s the suspense Tense Smoking incense The smoke burns the eyes And twirls in the air But sometimes you take it And never even care. You cry The bruises and whelps they spot your skin Sometimes they tear at the enemy within Who hides behind you, the face and the girl? Who wanted to give it all to the world. But she can’t She’s weak She can’t even fight She’s not proud to be meek The torture and suffering From the so called “love” Was definitely not Cast from above. No above Because if above even cared The scars and the bruises would Not be there They trickle and twinkle Like the water on your windshield Where’s your shining knight Out on the battlefield He’s fighting You know he’s your hate (He’s the deadliest person you know to date) And he’s yours, he says But never acts out Sometimes he talks like He’s dreaming about. You Your nothing To him because He cares about himself Himself is the drug He breathes and inhales You stop and you listen His raspy words aren’t true How could you believe him? How does he do – This to you Manipulate Complicate The automatic process in which you go mad. You look for the answer You look where to hide You look for the reason To stay inside There’s none You wander around comtemplating your plan The plan that stands to rid that man The pain and the promise he etched in your skin The everlasting memory your mind rots in. It hurts You run You get the matches on top Right now you think, there is no one to stop Me I have my pride now you jerk You’ve tried your plan and It doesn’t work Striking a match and throwing it to the ground His belongings and possessions Will never be found But this fire, this flame, the pain of delight Is not going to be stopped By this storm tonight Cause no water, no hail, no thunder or rain Will stop my hope tonight It rises once again. So I set this place, the fire, the flame So far, I’m not the one to blame There’s this night, the night of the storm Which you will grovel and have to mourn So I can live on my own, without the possessive man I in the rain, dancing as fast as I can. 2007/12/10 For The Kids...We're staying together for the kids. Don't want to deprive them of a stable home. It's something he appreciated when he was growing up. So, the unhappiness will continue. The awful tension in the air. The petty sniping, the strained atmosphere. The small conflicts which just disguise the real conflict. The terrible silences, The shallow, awkward communication. The pervading sense that everyone is walking on eggshells. The occasional violence. It's for the kids. And one day they'll be grateful. Of course. Just as I wake up grateful for my nightmares. So grateful... 2007/12/1 As I Take My Leave...As I take my leave, my gaze goes round the room once more. The suitcase on the floor beside me, packed full of memories. The paintings on the wall we picked out together, I leave for you. The sofa we spent cuddled nights aplenty on, still the best seat in the house. As I take my leave, I hear the ghost of our love echo through the halls. Chasing me to the bedroom, laughter spilling through the air. The love, the touches, the eyes that saw into the depths of my soul. Whispered words of the night that spilled into the day. As I take my leave, a photograph catches my eye. You and me, happy and carefree, plans that reached forever. Shattered glass mars the face I once adored. Shattered hearts that can't take back yesterday or mend the loss of tomorrow. As I take my leave, the memories pile on my heart. Friendship and love that we thought would last forever. Now tattered and bruised, broken from within. Jealous words, spoken in haste and hate. As I take my leave, I wonder how I'll go on. You were my friend, you were my love. The days will be hard, the nights even harder. But to be stronger, go I must. Judgement Day...The sun is moving to meet the earth, Symbol of the new gods birth. Screaming children all around, I can't escape the horrid sound. Feeble hearts beating, dying, weak, The strong they wail, silent are the meek. This is it, the coming of Hell, Hear each mad, ringing, singing bell. Madness crashes, burns away, My eyes are seared, what is night or day? Writhing anguish, liquid fire, I'm caught in the wrenching, consuming mire. Consequence has come at last, Free me masters, from approaching past! Streaking stars from Heaven fall, Is this the end, or birth of all? Crying, wailing, reaching out, Gods do not judge me! Do not doubt! Take away these tattered wings, I've crawled too far to keep these things! I stand too tall, don't knock me down, I see much better what surrounds. I fail, I fall, I try again, Where does resignation leave, begin? I know nothing, the smoke's too thick, I barely missed the scythe's chilling nick. Blood pour down onto the ground, Fill my ears with the endless sound. Calm my actions, quell my fears, Take my soul, drain my tears. Let me know all, plead my case, Prisoner of this chance, non-existant grace. Darkness Within...Everyone has their darkness deep, But in my darkness the demons creep. Unto me they now speak, Putting my rationality to sleep. Awakening dark whisperings within me, Changing everything I should be. Into an evil creature of demonic intention, Beyond moralities, hope of salvation. Corrupt, for things unsaid Corrupt, for being undead. But more than of Vampirism do I write, This isn't about a bloody bite. You misunderstand the essence here, This speaks of the hearts affairs. Vision clear, judgment distorted, Spiritually stable, morality contorted. It's not about the words I write here, It's about the thoughts I speak nowhere. Awakening...He uttered a deep growl from his throat, As his mind fought to recover what consciousness he knew. Meanwhile his body shuddered convulsively, Almost with a mind of its own. He fought through the grey mists of his mind, Desperately reaching for something, Unable to formulate quite what it was. Lurching from darkness,not unfamiliar to light, Which was all too familiar, He resisted his return. Lingering, trying to recapture that certain sense, That calm, that freedom. He slipped back into what was himself and rested. She looked on. Totally alert to his every move, every nuance, every breath, And her whole being focussed on him. She had loosened his bonds enough so he wouldn’t hurt himself, But left enough to stop him falling from his position. She had placed a pillow under his head, So he would not bang it when he thrashed around. She fed him sips of water, Brushed across his lips at intervals, And covered him with a blanket. She sat down at the side his head, her eyes on his face, Watching the fleeting expressions cross his brow. Breathing with him, resting with him, flying with him. Every so often she would caress his face, Wipe a stray hair from his brow, easing herself into his mind as she did so. Letting him know she was there and he was safe. She let herself in. Gently probing softly at the edges, Enveloping him with love and a growing sense of wonderment at his strength, His inner beauty and his soul. All had been glimpsed before, But never in such depth and with such clarity. She nestled in beside him, Cradling his head in her arms, And waited... 2007/11/24 Lost...Hollow footsteps, cloaked by night, Of sadness known through tortured sight. The willow weeps for solitude, As Owl moans a gloomy interlude. Reflection in the glossy lake, "If I should die before I wake" A tear shatters the silent face, That seeks solace in this deserted place. Wind whispers through the willows leaves, And Owl perched high, silently grieves. The glow from city lights afar, Swallow whole a falling star. A wish upon the trembling lips, For peace, a raven gently sips. The water near his honoured guest, But soon flies to his hidden nest. Weary beneath the flowing cloak, The traveller rests against an oak. And fights the lure of heavenly sleep, "I pray the Lord my soul to keep" Forever lost, each journey taken, Plagues the mind, the nights awaken. Troubled visions, thoughts of yesterdays, That seem like beacons - lives away. Random comforts cannot ease this soul, For knowledge takes its weary toll. 'Pon one who suffers with each breath, Who slept once in peace, then awoke in death... A Cruel Reminder...This one serves as A Cruel Reminder to those who try to fuck with me mentally... You all have had a chance... You all fucked it up... "Selfishly hated, no wonder you're jaded, you can't play the victim this time" An ever growing sense of a hatred so deep lies in the place where you once laid. The same place where I tied you down and showed you another world you never knew before. The same place where we bared our souls and traded our sins. The same place where our bodies dripped with sweat as we fucked until morning light. And oh how we loved to fuck. It was the only place we could be as one. Where your words and actions would unleash such pain upon me but damn it felt so sweet. Your Cunt, your Dirty Little Slut, your Mistress in boots, I was everything you asked me to be, there was nothing I refused. You controlled me with your eyes, I tamed you with my whips. Oh god we loved to fuck. We was always so careful not to slip up and make love, no we couldn't go there, that's one path never to be walked. Red Silk pillows that hold memories of where you lay by the crimson stain you left behind. Your power was the greed I had for you and damn you fucking knew it. I'd see the glint of the scalpel blade from the corner of my eye, my heart would start pounding as I watched it touch your beautiful skin. I'd feel you start twitching deep inside me as the blade penetrated your skin. Oh you fucking knew what was about to unfold, it's that part of me you just couldn't resist, that part of me you couldn't bare the thought of anyone else experiencing, that part of me that you knew would totally own 100% of you for a brief moment in time. By the light of the many candles that burned I would watch as your blood slowly start to trickle down from the cut you had just made. Your eyes begged me to take you, to fuck you like an animal, to be a part of my world. "Forgive Me, I'm Sorry" I'd say as my mouth gently covered your wound and I would step back as the hunger took hold. You would lie there helpless underneath me with your throbbing cock deep inside me, taking the lust and hunger unleashed upon it by this sanguine thirst. You would cry out into the night, your groans and whimpers echoed around my dungeon-like room, filling my ears, feeding the hunger. I loved to taste your blood. It had a different taste to any other, not so metallic but an addition of something else, another kind of kin not tasted before, forbidden to us. "I'm in no danger, he loves me, with him I feel safe" remember those fucking words? And now you say "I'm a Bitch" but the difference is we're not fucking. Always too fucking big to step down from this home made throne you created. Too fucking self centered and set on destroying everything that does not bow to your command. I fucking loved you with all my heart, you destroyed me with your pathetic games. I gave you everything you ever fucking wanted, you gave me memories of your violent anger that you undoubtedly unleashed so many times before but tried to hide. It's dark and empty here now, you was the only dream I had for years. I lay here on red satin sheets, curled up around this ever mounting hatred that lies on your side of the bed. You may have taken my soul but I've fucked you for all eternity. Everytime you lay down with another, it will never satisfy your need, you will never visit the places I showed you, you wont even know the way. You'll never feel another come just for you the way you did with me, No more looking deeply into the eyes of another and seeing the things you saw when you looked into mine. Oooh no doubt you'll get your dick sucked again, but who's the only one who has ever made you come? Twice? You seem to forget you entered into my world, I didn't come into yours. What we had was down to me and I can create that time and time again with whoever I fucking want to. I chose you. You will never feel it with another person again. It'll haunt you to your dying day, it'll burn inside you, eat you away as you move from one failed relationship to another, hating everyone because they can't make you feel the way I did and the only thing that will calm you will be the touch of my hand. I may have ended this but you all too easily let go. If you can't fix it by text, email, messenger or phone then it's too much like hard work for you. Fuck this... You're most probably too busy trying to line up the next one to ever read this... Never mind, it'll make a good fantasy story for others to read but you and I know it's not a fantasy... Don't we??? 2007/11/6 Drowning...She sits alone, Eyes sparkling in the moonlight, But something is wrong, The sparkles are tears. She hurts so deep, Pain that tears, Rips, Eats her inside. You look deeper, Try to heal her hurt, But can't see past, The river of her sadness, Can't swim against the flow of her loss... 2007/10/27 Showers...HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN... Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head. If you see your husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN... Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife/girlfriend along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. If you pass wife/girlfriend, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE ISN'T IT??? 2007/10/23 Like Vultures...Like vultures who feast on the bones of the dead Who follow the trail of those who have bled. A carrion scavenger flying high above Whose next primal feast is on angelic doves. Overhead flying, not making a sound Spotting the dead astrew on the ground. Circling, posturing, a visual feast Look upon me, for I am the beast. Ravage the flesh of the recently dead Upon the clean earth your cold blood is shed. Without remorse, a carnal foreplay With a surgeons delight, I will not delay. Desecrated remains yearn for salvation Return to the earth in deathly congregation. Death to the weak, the young or the old For I am the night in which you grow cold. 2007/10/21 Living Carcass - Padded Walls...Creeping veins become shattered fragments Moistened with her drops of crimson life. She looks up through sunken sockets, A drug induced trance. Her laughter rumbles with the waves of Paranoia that sways her mental instability. "The glass here is edible," she says, As she gnaws on the jagged edge of her vanity. Her sanity was never in question, Not until she joined this place. Her nails have long been chewed down to skin, Making stubs of her piano playing fingers. Eerily, they dance through the air Recalling lustfully the ivory skin of her lover. As she speaks, retreating into the burrows Of her own mind, her quivering lip gives her away. She's bleeding tears through her hard earned gaze, Making a mockery of her stay. "The pills were supposed to numb the pain, Instead they took all my feelings away." Death Becomes A Soul...The dream so clearly foretold to me, Was not a dream, but a reality. My death has come and not with ease, But with much torment and uncertainties. No longer buried face down, this spirit has risen forth, Shivering and weak, exposed to all the Elements. Emptiness surges, like the hawk diving down for the kill, But not without emotions. A heaviness has now lifted from within and blown free, As the leaves of the dead of Winter that blow away In the winds of change. No longer subjected to every whim, As a chameleon who changes colours with the scenery present, For I have shed the skin of untruths and blindness, As a snake sheds the outer skin, Right down to the very heart and soul. From one extreme to the other, The soul cries out and reaches for what? Strangeness now replaces what was once thought known, And that which was, as chaotic as a whirlwind, Is now steady, As if in the eye of a storm. There is no storm however, For it has passed with a fury unleashed upon this soul like non other. It has ravaged all who were close, Stripped away, what was built upon for so long, To leave nothing but the emotion that now drives this spirit ahead To the right path, To that which is truly needed and with a strength not known before. Knowledge has come, perhaps too late for some things, But yet also to build daily upon once again, To make better that life within that has been so lost for so long now. One single bird sits in the branches above me, Talking with a steady song. I listen, as it chirps to the same beats as my heart, Telling me to listen well, to care, To understand that which has been said so many times And only now truly realised. The mind that now hums a new tune, One of many notes, but all with the same chord. A new life has emerged, One that has been as the mountain lion, prowling the hills, Waiting for just the right time to pounce and now that time has come. These feet now walk a path that is known somehow There is a mindset in place, And a soul that feels for once at peace, in some respects, While others are still left to what is to come, A little uncertainty, but at the same time, a welcome steadiness and control. As the bear that walks In the footsteps of the ancient ones before it, So do I now and it indeed feels right. Perhaps now The shadows will show themselves in truth, And I can at last follow the Moon's light That seems to lead me ever closer To that Ecstasy of the Darkness.... |
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