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7/20/2008 Time Everlasting...Around and around we all seem to travel.
Going in circles, Some with purpose, Others rather irradically Not knowing where they will stop or start again. Always reaching what we think is the ultimate in our lives, But then again, finding it was only another peak to crest. Moving on once again to something new,
Something else the soul and heart decided we needed to thrive on, Or with or even without. Experiences in life, Whether current or past, Seem to bring about a higher Or better understanding of more of our life within. What may we encounter today?
Whom may we cross paths with, That may bring enlightnement And who may bring some sadness That touches That little known place within? Always moving ever forward, Never back, For to go back would mean Our stagnation of mind and torture of soul. Wanting to always gain that much needed, And so very deeply desired goal In order to thrive truly in happiness. When may it come? Only time will tell. Time seems to be the only one constant, Always revolving our lives around it, Our very thoughts swim within it's very waves, Trying to break free, to gain an upper hand, To steal a moment if only once. Time however, seems to mock our very efforts. We just gain a taste, Or even a full cup of what we desire And then without so much as a second tick of notice, It is gone once again, As we are left empty, Or alone. Then we have to look back and see what we had, And what time was wasted To attain it, And now what? Where to turn? Where to go from here? Nothing can ever exactly replace something we had,
But we can hope to come close, Or find another level, Perhaps higher than the one lost, To reach and attain yet again. But how much more time must we go through To get it again? Is what we had A waste of such precious a commodity? Or perhaps are we looking much too hard, Or yearning far to deep For such in life? The pain of desire always there.
Throbbing and pulsing with an energy all it's own. Piercing the body to remind the soul Of the hunger within. Powerless to ease the pain, Unable to put off the ceaseless pounding. The blood pressure rises with each beat, Moving the heart to race along as fast as possible As if running from some great thing; Yet towards with a velocity unmatched as the speed of light. Leaving behind in it's wake, The unfathomable aches that scream with the loudness of thunder, Seemingly falling upon deaf ears as the rain continues to drown out the voice. How many nights and days Must pass before the great longing disolves Into the nothingness that surrounds, And becomes once a void to never return from? Determined to not allow such a havoc to be wreaked upon this soul, For it is far too obssessed with life and the greatness of it all To fall prey to such a disastrous and unwarranted happening... After A While...
After a while You learn the subtle difference between Holding a hand and chaining a soul.
You learn that love doesn't mean security, Kisses aren't contracts, Presents aren't promises.
You begin to accept your defeats With your head up and eyes open, With the grace of an adult Not the grief of a child.
You learn to build all of your roads on today Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while You learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden And decorate your own soul.
And instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers, You learn that you really can endure. You really are strong. And you really do have worth.
But only after a while.
7/9/2008 Alone...
A little girl sits alone in her room Listening to the screams from down the hall. She feels lost. So alone in her room. Her sanctuary.
She lays on her bed staring into the light, Her tears her only company. The sadness in her eyes Are only a glimpse of the pain in her heart.
Her grades aren't good enough. Nothing ever is. Nothing she ever does is right, Everything she ever says is wrong.
They always yell, At each other, At her, At everything.
"Leave me alone. Go away. Just STOP"
The thoughts dance in her head flooding her heart.
"Just once..." She thinks, "Tell me you love me."
She is never good enough. Gotta be perfect. Gotta Be the BEST. Can't ever have fun.
She has to grow up, can't be a kid. No sleep-overs. No friends. No life.
She looks at her mother wrong and she's grounded.
Again Stuck in her hole. Her room. Her sanctuary.
She lies back and looks up at the light. Almost as if to look through it, Beyond it, Past it, Into the sky. Into the darkness only lit by the moon and the stars.
They never hit her with their hands Just their words. Sometimes she wishes that they would hit her. The pain would be less than that they already cause.
"Just once... Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you're proud."
1/30/2008 Totally Stoked...I received my first ever award today for my little space and I've got to admit to you, I'm well stoked...
I'm actually quite lost for words to say (for once) so I'll just keep it minimal and say how much I truly do appreciate the time people spend on visting and reading my words that I write. Thankyou so much to all those of you who voted my blog as their favourite blog of 2007. It is with much pride I now display this award. My Darkest Respect To You All. 
Awarded to Ashes
1/26/2008 How The Darkness Came...Throughout my whole life I have always had to explain, translate even, all the answers that I have given to questions asked of me. No one has ever been able to understand who I am or what I feel by just listening to what I say. This left me feeling "Not normal", "An Outcast", "A Freak." People always speak of what I search for, what I seek and I am sure by now that many of you have noticed that your questions on this subject are left unanswered, maybe you could even class it as avoided. I will now try to answer but this is going to be very hard for me as I have to now face the things that I have hidden from for so long in my life. Please forgive me if I stall or ramble on a bit. This touches on a subject that is/was a very big part of what I am today and which I have tried to avoid at all costs because it always led me to hurt, pain, disappointment & the sense of not being worthy of anything but a life of these feelings. From as long as I can possibly remember I searched for things. Searched for an identity, searched for a family, searched for a childhood. Thats all I've ever done. I've gone through this life sifting through peoples discarded memories just trying to find something I could hold on to, something to relate to, something that was mine, something that was part of me. But alas it was never found. I collected the pieces of my broken life and kept them tucked away hoping that maybe one day I might also find the missing answers. These pieces grew in quantity but still I dragged them on with me, never giving up. I just needed something to be complete. A begining, a middle, an end. Is that too much to ask for? Isn't that what everyone else has? This all came to an end just before I was found by what I term as "The Darkness." Its funny how things that you fear tend to be the things that save you. I have always been the victim of other peoples decisions, mistakes, actions, call it what you will. It amazed me how they all just sat year after year watching me self destruct over things I had no knowledge of, things that they knew the answers too. Every now and then, a comment spoke, or a faded memory was fed to me just to remind me of things unsolved. It was all for their pleasure. Couldn't break the tradition now, couldn't try to allieviate some of the pain, suffering, torment that has plagued me since the day I was born. Everything I ever felt or had was always taken and destroyed by someone elses hand. It became an everyday ritual. I had, they took. I used to sit and watch them build on what they already had and just when it was near complete, near perfect, they tear it down without a thought of what would be left behind. Yet again the vision of someone searching through the broken and tattered pieces of a destroyed life came into play. This carried on for many a year until all I had left were my dreams. I used to think that at least they were safe. I couldn't see a way that anybody could take them for me. I soon realised that this was not the case and if they destroyed me, took away my will to survive on this earth then my dreams would soon die too. And basically thats what happened. All those that were suppossed to love me gathered around me and took turns to drain any will to survive that I had out of me. I stood helpless and watched as they took my dreams and left them scattered and broken just like they had done many times before. I didn''t even bother to sift through the mess this time. I had no will, no strength, no need left in me. This time they had achieved their goal. I had died inside... I can't say how I felt. There was no feeling, no hatred, not even a numbness or an empty space to compensate for what they had raped from me. I remember my eyes were open, when it came for me but all other feeling was gone. I just watched it swirl and dance in front of me to the tune of the cold dark night, fascinated by its sheer magnificence I remained captured by its spell. My mind was not my own anymore, I had no control over how I felt, what I thought, I didn't know me, I didn't recognise this person who I was suppossed to be. I remember thinking this is it. It's my time to leave. Then nothing. I came back to reality feeling as if I was being held close to something. Its form too big to recongnise, but its strength was very real. I felt its hold loosen a little and for the first time in my life I felt that I belonged. My Darkness gave me a chance to stand alone unafraid and that is what I do today. I search for nothing, I yearn for nothing, I have no dreams to destroy. But as for strength. I feel not strong, but unafraid. I can still be broke down, ripped apart but I know my Darkness will heal me, will save me, will hold me close for now and forever.
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